Day 1, 2/16/23
So last night i had a dream where my dad and I were skinned while our spirits were being transported to a different realm. It was rather disturbing and I am not excited to go to bed tonight. Also there was a spider web of meat and bones. Horrible.

My day wasn't necessarily the best either, although I did get to use my new headphones. They're AWESOME! It's like I can tune out of the world. They're gonna be super helpful to me in the future. After school though, i went to this LGBT+ support group and that kind of sucked. I am not great at socializing, and I didn't know ANYBODY well enough there to engage in conversation that feels real. It wasn't that fun, but there was pizza, so that's a plus. Hopefully Friday will be better.

Day 2, 2/17/23
I did not dream last night, and if so, I don't remember.
Today was an alright day. I drew Rei Ayanami a lot, and I got to use my headphones in class. They help SO much. It's amazing.
During P.E., we were playing tennis, and my friend kept on hitting the ball funny, which led to him hitting it 3 tennis courts down from where we were. I had to run so much, It was terrible.
After school, I went to the library. I got this cool book about the Mars rover, and I'm pretty excited to read it. I love space, it's so interesting to me. Just thinking about how small we are compared to everything... wow. Maybe once the sun sets I can look at Mars or Jupiter tonight, I'll update on this once I get to!

Day 3, 2/21/23
i forgor my dream :C
Today was loud... booo... it's also super cold and windy. 4/10 day.

Day 4, 2/24/23
Today in math class a BIRD flew into the room! It was trying to get out through the window, but it took it about a solid 3 minutes to figure out that it wasn't going to let it out magically. I also got my meds refilled today, so no more depression! Yay!

Day 5, 3/2/23
Today I had another vivid dream, and it wasn't something that was horrifying! yay! I was in Japan with one of my friends, and we were having a pretty good time. I started noticing that there were alot of things written in English, which confused me, but it was still a good dream nonetheless. I'm just glad that it was one that i didn't want to wake up from.
Woah, this day was interesting. I got to crush a can using the power of science and i did a core workout in P.E. . everything hurts. i also have a ton of bruises on my arms from playing volleyball this whole week. My coach hits HARD. i'm excited for pizza though.

Day 6, 3/5,23
My dreams are getting more vivid and strange, today when I was taking a nap I had a dream about one of my friends having a doppelganger that was trying to "get rid" of him. So I bombed their house. Weird, right?
I didn't do ANYTHING today except for learning stuff! I learned guitar, I learned how to draw hair, I learned Japanese, I learned how inkjet printers worked (and how they were accidentally made!), and I learned that i'm getting better at lifting weights! SCREW THE SCHOOL, I'M THE EDUCATOR NOW!!!!

Day 7, 3/9/23
Today I had a dream where I was with my friend at my grandma's house and we were watching a movie. My friend looked around the house and said, "Wow, your family is rich and white."(i'm not rich but I am white). Once we were watching the movie, I suddenly got transported into it, and I quickly took notice of how weird it was. There were certain rules that I had to abide by, such as not taking notice of the crocodile in my backyard, as well as the people gathering by my house as I swung around on top of a soccer ball in my house. As you'd expect, the soccer ball flew outside and I then had to chase it from this blonde girl who was trying to be David Dobrick. After I finally got it back, I ran to my RV, ignored the now blue belly-up crocodile and got my dogs off of the dashboard where they were panting and hot, even though there was snow outside. I hid my rei plush, and ran up a big, snowy will which led to a desert, where Asuka Langley watched from afar. The only thing I remember is hiding from a massive sand lady who was letting people live in her river. Very, VERY odd.
Today I'm not going to school! YAY!! Only problem with that is the fact that I am sick. I've been coughing since last night, and although it's not COVID, I'm still incredibly tired. Fun part is that I get to do some of my schoolwork at my own pace finally, and I can just ask my friends for help with homework. Thanks Ely and Bailey!

Day 8, 3/14/23
I think staying inside for so long has made be succumb to my emotions more easily. My therapist says that I'm feeling depressed because I'm grieving still. Am I though? Actually, now that I think of it, I might be. I might be grieving for myself too. Things that I liked to do, the music i used to listen to when I was sad are becoming tortuous towards me. They're no longer comforting, they just remind me of how lonely and sad I was when I was taking care of my grandpa. I don't want to picture the image of his near-dead body anymore, it makes me want to scream. I've been keeping this a secret for too long, so whoever is reading this now knows. I can't seem to tell my friends about it either, so this will do.

Day 9, 3/15/23
My dreams aren't coming anymore, I don't know why.
I've been doing a lot of work from home, even though I can't do some of the stuff because I don't have any papers. Very irritating. I do have good news though, which is that I might satrt hormone therapy this year! Yay! I'm still working on getting my dad on board, but I hope he'll be comfortable with it once he knows that it's very safe. Hoping for the best.

Day 10, 3/16/23
Still no dreams, just sweet darkness.
AAAAAAAAAHRGH!! School has been on me today! I had to do non-stop work so I could catch up the assignments that I missed! It was terrible!! I had to do 2 hours of homework. 2 hours! There's even more to go, wish me luck...

Day 11, 4/1/23
I had a dream where i was aware i was dreaming. but the thing was that i couldn't get out of it, i had to wait. i had no control.
I think i've entered into another depressive episode. this fucking sucks. i'm scared of myself now, i know that i have no control over my thoughts or body during these periods when it gets really bad. i don't know if i should tell my parents or not, i think i might have to be admitted. i hate this. isn't journalling supposed to help? it just feels like i've resurfaced so much more shitty things that have happened to me. even with my new cat, it's like nothing is enough anymore. i'm really sick, aren't i? i just want to hug snapdragon (my cat)until i rot away. i have to meet some friends today, i have a lot to tell them but i'm scared. they shouldn't have to be my therapists! maybe i need to take care of myself on my own. maybe i just need to get through this week.
sometimes i wonder how i got to this state. my younger self would be disappointed. fuck depression.

Day 12, 4/4/23
I had a dream last night where we were in the snowy wilderness of... somewhere. People were collecting rats and putting them in bags.. the rats suffocated to death and there were bloody bags littered everywhere along the trails. Disgusting.
God, it just doesn't get any better, does it? It's been almost a year since i've started therapy, and I don't know if i'm just being naive, but i'm still at the same mentality where i was a year ago. Lonely, depressed, and suicidal. The only difference now is that i'm on medication and i have someone to talk to. But i don't feel much better overall. i'm doing all the right things, i'm being honest, i get better at some points, but i always come crashing down. i just want to die. i know better than to think that, and i know better to tell strangers on the internet, but i just need a way to get all of this out of me. i don't think a lot of people are reading this anyway, which is okay. i just want to sleep forever. i don't want to go to school, i don't want to talk to people, i just want to sleep.

Day 13, 4/5/23
I don't remember the dreams that I had.
i want to sleep but i can't anymore. i'm so tired of everything..

Day 14, 5/7/23
i had a dream where i was trying to save my cat from vector from despicable me because he was terrorizing my town.
i'm out of the mental hospital. i have to re-enter school tomorrow and i don't know what to do. it's just going to be the same thing all over again. i can't change it, all i can do is cope with it. that's sad, isn't it?